The urge to be honest, open, and unfiltered all of the time is hard to not give in to.
A woman in my life got angry with me a few times saying “You can’t leave it alone, I know you, your bullshit detector is too good and you can’t turn it off!!” That could be taken as a sly way of complimenting myself (or pointing out what a jerk I can be) but I don’t mean it that way. I simply do not have a lot of patience or grace in the presence of lies, falsehood, deceit, secrets, or people clearly spouting dishonest justifications (perhaps unconsciously) for what they believe or did or do. I hate it and I don’t want to BE that.
If you are built like me you find that you are constantly trying to turn that B.S. detector on yourself too. No one can do that perfectly but I try like hell. Logic and reason can be used to determine a course of action yet often they are used instead to rationalize a belief or action after the fact; we are motivated by our emotions and then we backwards rationalize what we’ve done.
So let’s start with my decision to publicly declare myself a Jesus follower, a Christian, claiming that Christianity is true, not just a preference, not just something that feels good but The Truth.
I have confidence that an incredibly unique, counter-cultural, iconoclastic, Jewish dude named Jeheshuah Ben Joseph was born in the middle east sometime around Gregorian calendar year zero. That guy challenged the Jewish religious authorities, declared himself the fulfillment of prophecies in their scriptures, identified himself as God and took on the Hebrew deity’s most ancient name when he said “Before Abraham was, I AM“. He earned himself a sentence of death when he agreed that he was king of the Jews before the Roman procurator of Judea. He was killed and his body put into a burial tomb. He came back to life and ignited a religious firestorm that transformed the known world and has endured for two thousand years outliving all its enemies. The things he said about his own identity do, to this day, challenge me in ways that no other world teacher or philosophy ever have.
I have moved well past the idea that because I do not or cannot fully intellectually grasp every nuance of what it means to be a Christian that therefore I should just not be a believer and throw out the baby with the bathwater. I am way past that because my experiences in being connected to Jesus and Church and my experience trying to be connected with other types of philosophies, groups and spiritualities provided a dramatic contrast; other ways were so anemic and flabby and lacking that there is just no comparison. Existentially, my life is simply better, happier living as a Christian than living any other way I have tried. It seems to answer more questions and satisfy and honor more parts of what make me human than any other approach does. That reason alone is sufficient for me to proudly declare myself a disciple of Jesus. And I would also be the first to admit that my personal experience could only be a part of a broader presentation of proofs for the truth claims of Christianity.
So what am I trying to say? And why is this post named “Transparency”? I am trying to explain that even with something as “personal” as my choice of religion I wish to be open and honest: transparent. I want not to kid myself into believing falsehoods. I feel a certain internal impulse to write about my thoughts and experiences as I live this out and… well, I guess I’m just leaving it in His hands what happens with that. Consider this a warning too that I might offend. I will use colorful language, sometimes plainly express my frustration or other negative emotion. Hell, you might be even more embarrassed by my expression of love or gratitude or other positive emotions! That scares the crap out of me too because it means you’ll see more deeply into me than I have been comfortable with up to now. I never want to be trite, self-indulgent, or boorish about this. There is enough of that on the internet today, more every moment, and I loathe it. To become that which I loathe would truly disturb and unnerve me the moment I realized what had happened. But there is some value to authenticity and transparency and it is what I feel compelled to share.
Time will reveal the value of this mode of expression and I reserve the right to backpedal, change my mind and change direction at any time.
God help me.
